It seems like every time I write about singleness the floodgates open up. People call me. People text me. They leave an absurd amount of comments on Instagram. There are so many times when I feel like God is poking me, pushing me to write about the topic, but I always dread it. I’ve been fine to write about pretty much anything else but I’ve never written more than a few snippets on my own singleness or where I am personally at with being single in my 30's. It's just not a topic I like to always talk about and bring awareness to.
Truth moment: there are honestly times when I think God is going to keep me single until I actually write about it and share what He has been teaching me over the past year. In 2019, I decided to take dating completely OFF the table. I wanted to focus on my relationship with the Lord, my mental and emotional health, and becoming healthier. I thought that maybe He was waiting to use me to be some single girl vessel to the masses and then, when I would finally break the silence about my lack of plus ones at weddings, He would bless me with some handsomely rugged man.
That’s a problem for a lot of us: we think God is some cruel scientist who has hid our cheese at the end of a maze. We think He is withholding until we learn “x” amount of lessons. We think that He will eventually have good for us when we finally get our stuff together.
Today we step into February, not only is it my birthday month which means I will be turning 34, but it means Valentine's Day is right around the corner. I am pretty sure I’ve only told friends wayyy too many times that I hate Valentine's Day. But, I don’t actually hate Valentine’s Day. I just didn’t like a holiday that seemed reserved for couples, no matter how much you emphasize the “love is for everyone” juju feelings. I know how hard this "holiday" can be for people. This post is for all my single friends, and for myself too. It’s all the words I should have said many times and just wasn’t brave enough to do so.
Here it goes...
Love is not a race. Finding a person who fits you and refines you, all at the same time, isn’t a race. It is a process. And thank God, you are forever a process. And, whether you like it or not, your singleness is a part of that process.
One of the biggest comments I get from friends is that I need to wait for that person who "completes me". But, I don’t believe that a person will complete me. A person can never complete you. They will add onto you. They will show you reality. They will push you out of your comfort zone but they will never complete you. Trust me, if you are looking for completion in the form of two blue eyes, it isn’t waiting for you there. Someone-- no matter how good-looking they are when they finally come along-- is not going to step out and live your life for you. Ending your singleness won’t mean the improvement process will cease too. No, it will most likely only get harder. Well, that's what all my married friends tell me!
So...what I have been learning over the past year is that if you want an adventure then you must pack the bag and go. Buy your own coffee. Make your own playlists. Plan your own road trips. See the things you want to see just for the simple fact that they matter enough to you. A match on Bumble or Hinge will not live your dreams for you. Your singleness is not an accident! Your singleness is not God’s blind spot.
One very important lesson I learned in 2019 is that before you can be sure of another person you must be sure of yourself. I cannot say this enough! And I feel like I have shared it with so many of my single friends over the past couple months. But, you must be willing to bet on yourself. This does not mean you have to be perfect or anywhere near it. But it does mean this: a partnership with someone else is not going to fix all the cravings inside of you to be better. You’ll still want to be better.
Single friends, one day you’ll meet someone one. However, until then don’t let your heart freeze up. Don’t let your jadedness be the thing that makes you believe there are no good ones out there. Don’t forget to give God every shred of you including your relationship status. Give Him your hurt and give Him your worry. You don’t need to sugarcoat the truth. He’s God, He can handle the moments when you feel like your life is the ongoing, never-ending sequel to 27 Dresses. Trust me, I have been there! So I encourage you to stay honest. To stay open to a love that might not be what you expected. To stay real with your people. And to find new people if your people don’t let you be real.
Love is a long stretch of victories and defeats. Whether married or single, many of us have learned that lesson in our lives. So we keep running hard and running fast. And one day we will crash into someone who sees us. They will see our issues just like we always hoped they would be seen: as their own. Until that day comes, focus on growing, stretching, being the best version of yourself, and living out your dreams. God's got this, promise!